


Long Island

by blackchaps



Series: Three C's [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU, Oz (TV)
Genre: M/M, see tags from part 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 19:07:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11088039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackchaps/pseuds/blackchaps





	Long Island

*******

It was remembering what he had been that was hard. Living who he‛d become was too damn easy, but dimly, very dimly, like a mirage, there was another man inside him. A good man. A man who‛d had a wife, friends, and purpose to his life. He put his head in his hands and tried to pull that man over him like a blanket, but it didn‛t work. He had to find a new skin to walk in, a mix of the old and new, or live as Crazy Toby.

"Tobias, would you like to go to the grocery store with me?"

Toby found a smile for his mother. "Can I push the cart?"

She laughed. "We‛ll get ice cream."

"I‛m coming." Toby got up and found his shoes.

"Are you sure you want to wear that, um, shirt?"

Toby looked down and fingered his wifebeater. "I have to wear a coat anyway." He wasn‛t changing into a suit to go to the grocery store. "Have I turned scruffy?"

"Yes." His mother sounded sure about that. He laughed and tied his shoes. He‛d worn the suit and tie, but most days he put on jeans and a shirt. Why get dressed up to lie around the house? When the kids got home, he‛d help them with their homework, they‛d play video games, or if there was time, go ride bikes. He‛d be lying if he said he didn‛t love every minute of it. It was waiting for them to get home that was miserable.

"Do you think Holly is happy?" Toby asked after they were both buckled.

Victoria glanced his direction. "She is. I‛m sure of it."

"I know Harry is still unsure, but I think he‛s adjusting." Toby wasn‛t going to claim his son was happy. His son was moody, unpredictable, and at times, snappish. Actually, he reminded Toby a lot of himself as a child, and it was scary as hell.

"Harry has never been-" His mother paused. "A happy child. He thinks too much."

Toby nearly cringed to hear it, but he‛d known it. "Maybe time will help." He wasn‛t surprised that his mother changed the subject and rattled on about this and that. Looking out the window at the passing cars and shops and homes, he interrupted her, "Mother, what did I do wrong last time?"

He saw her swallow. She bit her lower lip before saying, "Last time, you were giddy. You immediately went to a party and started dating, and you thought you could help those men without one of them hurting you."

"Someone should have smacked me upside the head," Toby mumbled. It had been easier to completely blame Chris. "Sure as fuck not giddy this time."

"Try not to curse around the children, Tobias."

Toby nodded, but didn‛t answer. He did try, but it slipped out occasionally. Wandering around the store with his mother, he wavered between shame and wonderment. Had there been all this stuff seven years ago?

"No nuggets, for God‛s sake, Mother!"

She paused before putting them in the cart anyway. "The kids like them. Once a month, it doesn‛t kill them."

Toby couldn‛t look. "I‛m getting pizza that night." He picked out food that he knew was bad for him, but he was going to eat it anyway. "So, what can I do right this time?" He watched surprise flick across her face. She no doubt thought he wouldn‛t listen to her.

"Don‛t drink, go to AA, and find a job. You need to get out of the house more often." Victoria paused before putting the butter in the cart. "And maybe, find a friend? Someone who understands."

Toby sighed loudly. "There are no jobs for a disbarred lawyer, and I refuse to work here."

"Why? Still too proud?"

"Well, that hurt." Toby didn‛t have the guts to glare at her. He let her shop, trailing behind and thinking about it all again. It wasn‛t pride, but it was something inside him that knew he couldn‛t do it. A friend? Not damn likely. Elliot had been the closest thing that Toby had had to a friend, but that was a situation best left alone, and trusting someone else, anyone else, was out of the question.

********

"You going to Cavanaugh‛s with us?"

Elliot threw his straw in the trash. "Nah, but thanks."

Fin and Munch didn‛t argue about it. They grabbed their coats and beat it out the door. Olivia was God only knew where, and Dani had transferred back to warrants. They‛d kissed and she‛d run like hell. He didn‛t think it was him, it was the job, but it still hurt like hell. Lately, he would swear that every time he made a connection, the person, whether male or female, ran as if their life depended on it. Maybe it did. Maybe he'd screw them up. He wasn‛t sure any longer.

"Staying late, Elliot?" Huang stopped on his way to Cragen‛s office, putting his hands in his pockets.

Elliot hadn‛t planned on it. He shrugged and wondered if there was anything he could say that wouldn‛t get him shrunk. "You have a girlfriend, John? A boyfriend?"

Huang blinked in what had to be surprise. "Uh."

"Never mind." Elliot nearly laughed. He‛d thrown in that boyfriend thing just to mess with him. Not that it wasn‛t possible.

Huang stepped closer, looking down at Elliot‛s desk. "Are you still in contact with him?"

Elliot had to look at what Huang was staring at first. "No. He came in and thanked Fin and me and that was the end of it."

"I was actually hoping to speak with him that day at Rikers." Huang looked at him intently. "The staff pyschologist told me that he hadn‛t spoken one word until he met you."

"Really?" Elliot leaned back and rubbed his hand down his face. He didn‛t know how he felt about that or what he should say. Toby had thought that Elliot was Chris, whoever that was. It hadn‛t made any sense then, and it still didn‛t. "Maybe it was because they put him with the pervs."

"To protect him." Huang flipped open the file. "I wonder what meds they had him on."

Elliot chuckled, even though it probably wasn‛t funny. "Doesn‛t matter. He spit them in the toilet."

Huang‛s eyes widened. "And you weren‛t scared for your life?"

"John, I was prison." Elliot shut his computer down. He was done for the day. "Toby wasn‛t so bad."

"It‛s interesting you call him by his first name." Huang wasn‛t leaving. He was continuing to look at the file. "Have you read this?"

"I was gonna, but things got busy, like they do around here." Elliot got up and stretched, making a show that he was leaving. Huang needed to go elsewhere. He could take the file, if he wanted.

"Elliot, have you seen this?" Huang pulled a photo out of the file and held it up.

Elliot clenched his jaw so his mouth didn‛t fall open. "No," he said softly, taking the picture. "What the hell?"

********

"My name is Sarah, and I‛m an alcoholic."

Toby had the urge to lie on the floor, bang his head, and weep. It wasn‛t that he didn‛t care. He did. It was just that he couldn‛t take one more sob story. They were all so damn sad, and none of them had a swastika on their ass. They‛d all gotten here before they completely screwed up their lives, and yet, none of them knew it.

"Thank you for that inspiring story, Sarah." The AA counselor, Peter, looked around the circle. "Toby, would you like to speak next?"

Toby had so much to say, but it was all stuck in his brain, and he didn‛t want to scare the hell out of them. Oh, what the fuck, fear was good for people. "My name is Toby, and I‛m an alcoholic. I was also a drug addict and probably a sex addict."

"That‛s good, Toby. Keep going." Peter smiled charmingly.

"I was sent to prison on a DUI, vehicular manslaughter, and raped repeatedly by a Nazi that branded my ass with a swastika. Now, whenever I feel like drinking, I look at it in the mirror." Toby smiled back at him, seeing the alarm in those pretty, blue eyes. "If you think drinking is no big deal, check out my ass some time."

The silence was impenetrable. Peter didn‛t even try. "Good meeting. Thank you for coming, and I‛ll see you all next week."

Toby smoothed his hands down his jeans, stood, and put on his coat. He noticed the averted eyes and the rush to get passed him. His work here was done.

Peter caught him by the arm. "You did that on purpose to drive everyone away."

"You wanted my story. You got it. Sorry your group is full of wussies." Toby smiled because he had to or break down and cry.

"I should make you show it."

Toby lifted his chin and slid a little closer. "A private showing?"

Peter pushed him away. "Find another meeting, and I suggest you start going to SA."

"Peachy." Toby managed not to curse at him. "I feel the love and support. Thanks." He got the hell out of there. It had been a mistake to go, but his mother had wanted it for him. He should‛ve known that he wouldn‛t fit in. One more story about how boredom had driven someone to the bottle and he had been going to shank someone anyway.

It was early still; not even seven o‛clock, but no one expected him until much later. He leaned against the brick of the deli next to the church, stuck his hands in his pockets, and wished he didn‛t ache to find trouble. If Chris came around that corner on his motorcycle, Toby would be gone in a flash. Fuck parole. Peter walked out of the church, and Toby eyefucked him good, but that was a lost cause.

*********

Angus didn‛t want to make the call, but he didn‛t know who else to turn to, and his mother was insisting on it. He pushed the send button reluctantly. If Toby ever found out, there‛d be hell to pay.

"Stabler."

"Detective Stabler, this is Angus Beecher. Could I have a moment of your time, please?"

*********

Elliot parked and watched him come out of the church. Attitude was all over him. He was looking for a score. Crazy Toby was mostly gone, and that was a whole different Toby. Maybe, Dangerous Toby? Elliot had to come up with a plan fast. His apartment was in Manhattan. His kids were Queens. What the hell was he doing out on Long Island? Oh, right, one of his sisters lived out here. He should go see her sometime. It was good enough to pass, and he got out of the car and walked for the bodega. No eye contact was the way to go.

As he drew closer, he hunched a little in his coat and rubbed his face like he was tired. Hell yes, he was tired. When had sleep become something that he didn‛t do? He went inside, but he could feel Toby‛s eyes on him. They‛d talk. It wouldn‛t be long. Toby wouldn‛t be able to resist.

Elliot bought a soda, a bottle of Tylenol, some antacids, and went back out. He pulled up short and glared. "What the hell do you want?"

"Me? This is my turf. What the fuck are you doing out here?" Toby was angry. That was plain to see. But angry at what? Life?

"Sister lives close." Elliot cracked open the antacids and took four or five. "She ain‛t much of a cook." He chewed and drank some soda. The Tylenol was next. "You look different without prison clothes."

"Is that why you walked past me without a word?" Toby‛s blue eyes flashed even under the streetlights.

Elliot took two Tylenol. He needed them. "Yes."

"Liar. Fucking liar!" Toby was close enough to push down, and Elliot wasn‛t going to put up with much more of this shit. He wasn‛t the one that had acted like an asshole. Toby had done that.

"Hey, Crazy Toby, I don‛t need this shit. You want the truth? I walked past you because you shit on me." Elliot tried to stay in control, but it was fast slipping away. "I busted my balls for you, and you let me know that I was nothing."

Toby lowered his head and glared. Veins stood out on his forehead. He looked crazy angry, but Elliot wasn‛t scared. This was about more than him, and there wasn‛t much he could do about Chris Keller. He‛d promised Angus, but there was a limit to how far he‛d go.

"You - I - fuck!" Toby paced away from him, and he went on towards his car. This wasn‛t over, but pushing him to talk wasn‛t the best idea. It had to be on him. Elliot let the hand on his shoulder pull him around, and they stared into each other‛s eyes. Toby frowned deeply. "You don‛t know."

"I don‛t know that you loved and killed some skel by the name of Chris Keller who was probably a cousin of mine? Is that what I don‛t know?" Elliot poked him in the chest and edged closer. "Or is it that I don‛t know that you went to Harvard and live with your mommy now?"

Toby gulped for air. That vein looked like it might explode. "I didn‛t kill him!"

"Yeah. Okay. We‛re innocent, all of us." Elliot shrugged as if he didn‛t care. He‛d known his uncle had screwed every woman in the Greater New York area. It wasn‛t a surprise, but it still didn‛t feel all that good. Toby might have killed Elliot‛s cousin. It was possible. Elliot pushed it aside. It didn‛t matter. "Now, what the hell are you doing hanging out around here? Looking for some blow?"

"AA at the church." Toby pointed that way. "They told me not to come back."

Elliot laughed and wouldn‛t apologize for it. "You went crazy on them, didn‛t you?"

"Well, yeah." Toby rubbed his hand through his hair and then laughed softly. "Fuck you."

A car went by, blasting its horn. People walked by, talking loudly, and Elliot shifted on his feet, but he wasn‛t leaving. Not yet. "So, what is it I don‛t know?"

"Sounds to me like you know everything, which brings me to, why the fuck are you talking to me?" Toby looked puzzled now.

Elliot wasn‛t sure either. Everything he‛d learned from reading Toby‛s file should have made it impossible for them to talk or even look at each other. "You got in my face, and you look like hell."

"Thanks." Toby sighed and seemed to slump. He moved away and sat on the roof of Elliot‛s car. Elliot drank some soda and put his foot on the fender. He didn‛t have anywhere to be until morning, and sleep was probably asking too much. Toby put his head in his hands, scrubbed his head, and then looked up at him. "I‛m sorry, okay. I didn‛t want you to know about Chris."

"Because you were crazy enough to love him or crazy enough to kill him?" Elliot thought it might be both, but he was no shrink.

"I only did one of those." Toby held out his hand, and Elliot handed him the soda without thinking.

"Elliot Stabler. Stabler. I didn‛t think you looked like a Greg."

"It‛s my undercover name. It works." Elliot watched him take a long drink. "You got a job?"

Toby shook his head, put the cap back on the soda, and handed it to him. "Prison sucks, but being out is no picnic."

"Still waiting around for someone to tell you what to do." Elliot could understand that, but he didn‛t like the whiny tone in Toby‛s voice. That was probably what had his brother worried. Elliot took a good, long look at him and didn‛t hide the fact that he was doing it. "So you in a hurry to get back to prison?"

"No," Toby muttered. He leaned back on his arms. "I haven‛t screwed up yet."

"But you‛re aching." Elliot wasn‛t sure he wanted to know why. It might have to do with him. Toby was just glaring at him. He tried again, "Let me guess: fatherhood is more work than you thought it would be."

"Well, yeah, but that‛s no reason to go back." Toby groaned and slid down until his legs straddled Elliot‛s. "It‛s just no one out here has a clue."

"And it‛s annoying as hell." Elliot refused to back away, but they were close enough to draw strange looks from people passing by. "When‛s your curfew?"

"Since I live at home, he didn‛t give me one. He knows my mom cracks the whip." Toby put his hand on Elliot‛s knee. "I guess you should take me home."

Elliot avoided blue eyes. "You can‛t call a cab?" He had to say it. Toby‛s reaction was fairly predictable. He pushed Elliot back and they were glaring at each other. Elliot snapped, "Don‛t be thinking I‛m your jailhouse lover."

"Don‛t pretend you‛re a straight arrow," Toby snarled right back at him. Elliot took a drink of soda and considered some more Tylenol. He should have a snappy comeback, but he remembered lips and hips too well. There was more here that needed to be said and he couldn‛t send Toby home like this.

"Get in the damn car." Elliot stepped around him, careful not to touch him, and got in the driver‛s side. Slamming the door was stupid, but it made him feel that much less than punching Toby. Toby hesitated, but then got in and slammed his door too. Elliot started the car and pointed it at Manhattan.

Toby put his hand on Elliot‛s thigh. "What are you thinking?"

"Not sure I am." Elliot switched lanes and got them moving. It was late enough the traffic was thin, but it was still a hike to the city.

********

Toby was sure he should be protesting and digging out his cell phone to call his mother and tell her that he was going to be late, but instead, he sat in a state of numbness. Everything had gone to shit this week, and he trusted Elliot not to make his life worse. Trust. It was a foolish idea, but it lay between them, no matter the harsh words.

"My son, Harry, I think he hates me." Toby slid his hands down his jeans. "My daughter, Holly, has all these expectations shining in her eyes, and I can‛t bear to disappoint her, and I will. I know it."

"You‛re their dad. That stuff comes standard." Elliot never pitied him and never handed out platitudes.

Toby hoped that‛s all it was. "My mother wants me to go to AA and get a job at the grocery store, and my brother is pushing for me to work at the firm, probably in the mail room."

"Wow, your life does suck." Elliot looked over his shoulder and changed lanes. "Going back to Rikers sounds like the best answer to all your problems."

"Oh, shut up." Toby had to laugh, but it kinda hurt. He did have problems. The problem being that he didn‛t know how to deal with his problems. "I just lie around and watch TV. If I‛m feeling energetic, I read a book. It‛s ridiculous, and yet, I can‛t do anything else."

Elliot glanced at him now. "You‛re depressed. Even I can see that. How about some good meds?"

"No," Toby said firmly. He wasn‛t backing down on that. "Is it possible that I‛m just tired? I did paint for six months."

"Possible, but shouldn‛t you have some ambition to do something besides mooch off your mom?" Elliot‛s voice held just a tinge of sarcasm. He was good at that. Toby wasn‛t sure what to say so he shut up and watched the city come up around them. His mother and brother thought that going into the boroughs was the height of inconvenience. He‛d wanted to go but hadn‛t asked more than once. Even his kids had looked appalled.

"It‛s almost as if I don‛t fit in their well-ordered life any longer. I know I did before, but now?" Toby didn‛t expect an answer of any sort. He was going to have to find a way to live inside their world. "I hate AA."

Elliot finally spoke up. "Didn‛t you go to group in prison?"

"Yes, but it was different. Not so damn-. Hell, I don‛t know." Toby brushed his hair back behind his ears and pointed. "Is that Trump Tower?"

"Think so." Elliot didn‛t look. "Still love him?"

Toby hadn‛t expected that, and it took a minute to recover enough to talk about it. "He‛s gone and there wasn‛t a chance to work it out. My wife killed herself and Chris killed himself. People I love-" He broke off, unable to continue, but refusing to wipe the tear or two that traced down his face.

"Ain‛t no one going to argue that you haven‛t been through the wringer." Elliot might‛ve looked at him, but Toby stared stubbornly out the window. "Is Dr. Phil helping?"

"I watch SpongeBob instead." Toby scrubbed his face and forced out a raw laugh. "His perpetual optimism inspires me."

"To become a fry cook?" Elliot parked the car, and Toby finally looked at him. Toby studied the strong face for the umpteeth time. This man had shown up at the worst possible time in Toby‛s life and it should have sent him screaming for the exit. Instead, he‛d held him, picked him up, and been angry when Toby had turned away. Actions always spoke louder than words. Neither of them smiled and Elliot gave a shrug. They got out and the doors weren‛t slammed.

"Where the hell are we?" Toby looked up and down the street, but didn‛t see anything he recognized. Not that he would.

"My place." Elliot dug out a key for the front door. "We‛ll see if SpongeBob is on."

Toby gave him a small push, but followed him up. It was a small place, but clean to the point that it was obvious that Elliot was rarely here. Elliot got a beer and handed him a soda. Toby told himself that he didn‛t want a beer anyway. They exchanged a cautious look and sat down. Elliot was in a chair that Toby would bet had been in the family for awhile.

"So, did you like Rikers?" Toby asked with a touch of sarcasm. It was all he could think of to say, and the TV wasn‛t on yet.

Elliot turned on the TV. He took a long drink, giving Toby plenty of time to watch those throat muscles work. "No, but I had a job to do. I counted myself lucky that I had you for a cellie."

"At least I was fairly quiet." Toby wasn‛t sure he believed that. He‛d been crazy as hell, and occasionally, he still was, but he was hiding it better now. "And I didn‛t try to kill you."

"No, but you were thinking about it. What the hell set you off?" Elliot was frowning at him.

Toby sipped his soda to stall, but he could see that Elliot wanted an answer. "You said the shrink was interviewing child molestors. Suddenly, I knew you weren‛t Chris and you were just another pervert. I was mad as hell."

"You really thought I was Chris?" Elliot raised one eyebrow at him.

"Well, yes and no. I can‛t really explain it. I thought you were Chris‛s brother and you‛d try to kill me. Revenge, you know? I was confused." Toby didn‛t know how to explain it any better. He‛d been pretty screwed up. He still didn‛t know if it was losing Chris or the death of all those Nazis that had pushed him over the edge, and he wasn‛t sure he wanted to know.

Elliot slowly nodded. "I bet you were. Thanks for not shanking me."

Toby laughed softly and drank some more soda. "Thanks for not beating the shit out of me when I kissed you."

Elliot looked at him sharply now. "I needed that information."

"Yeah, I know." Toby had known that‛s all it was later, after he recovered, when everything had made more sense "God, I hated being on the pervert block. Thanks again for moving me."

"You‛ve thanked me enough, and anyway, Seaby would‛ve tried to kill you. I couldn‛t send you back to get shanked." Elliot shook his head in what was most likely disgust. Toby didn‛t even want to remember those scumbags. He idly watched TV, Elliot, and drank his soda. This wasn‛t exactly a night out on the town, but it was good to be away. He suddenly felt guilty.

"I should call my brother." Toby went back to the tiny kitchen and opened his cell phone. Angus picked up after a few rings, and Toby said, "Angus, I‛m in the city. I‛ll be home late or in the morning."

Angus was quiet too long. "So, you‛re not going to church tomorrow?"

"I doubt it, but I‛m fine. I‛m with a friend." Toby pushed the guilt away. The people at church didn‛t like him. "We good?"

"Yeah." Angus hesitated again. "With a woman?"

Toby laughed but softly. "Chill, bro. I‛ll get home. I‛m not out drinking and whoring. I just need some time to clear my head."

"Good idea." Angus sounded sure about that, and Toby realized he hadn‛t been fooling his brother or mother. It all sparked together in an instant, and he was furious.

"God damn you. You called him!" Toby should have heard the lie about the stupid sister. "You think I need help so you called in the fucking calvary!"

Angus groaned. "Please, Toby, listen to me-"

Toby slapped his phone shut, anger coursing through his veins. "Fuck them," he whispered and headed for the door. Getting drunk and laid sounded like an excellent idea now.

********

Elliot didn‛t mute the television, but he could still hear the conversation, and he got up quickly when Toby started yelling. The shit had just hit the damn fan, and he‛d have to move fast to keep Toby from doing something stupid.

"Get your fucking hands off me!"

Elliot removed his hand instantly. "Yes, your brother called me, but I was going to come see you anyway."

"You‛re a damn liar, just like Chris. It must run in the family!" Toby‛s forehead was pulsing.

"I lie with the best of them, but my sister, I have two, does live on Long Island, and I found out about Chris Keller three days ago. I wanted to talk to you about it." Elliot spat out each word. He didn‛t have much time. Toby was going to run, and Elliot couldn‛t touch him again. "When your brother called, I figured it was time to talk."

"You played me. Walking past like you didn‛t give a shit." Toby‛s hand was on the doorknob. "I don‛t need a damn keeper!"

Elliot lowered his head and sighed loudly. "Forget it. I‛ll take you home." He wasn‛t going to stand here screaming all night. His neighbors would call the police. "Let me get my coat."

Toby grabbed him by the arm. "You had a beer. I‛ll get a cab."

"Okay. Do that." Elliot played it Toby‛s way. "I guess this means you don‛t want to bump into me again. I should‛ve listened to you the first time."

"Don‛t act all hurt. That shit goes exactly nowhere. Chris was a master at manipulating me. You‛re not in his league." Toby still had hold of him and wasn‛t turning loose. "You should‛ve told the truth."

"I didn‛t feel like it." Elliot told the truth now. "Makes me sound like I‛m your brother‛s bitch or something. He says jump and I ask how high. Forget that."

Toby blinked and suddenly laughed. "I‛m still leaving."

"Fine. Bye. Don‛t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out." Elliot didn‛t yank his arm away. This was all talk. Toby hadn‛t made up his mind yet. Those blue eyes were analyzing, thinking, and looking for loopholes. Elliot stepped closer and asked the question that mattered to him. "You gay?"

"What the fuck?" Toby wasn‛t yelling any longer. "Why? You want to gay bash me?"

Elliot forced himself to laugh. "No. I‛d just have to investigate myself. There, at Rikers, you asked me a question. I haven‛t forgotten it." He hadn‛t. He‛d tried to, but it hadn‛t worked.

Toby raised his chin slightly. He narrowed his eyes. "You want a blow?"

"That‛s the question." Elliot still wasn‛t going to answer it. He raised his eyebrows. "You had a wife. You gay now?"

"I‛m open to the possibility," Toby drawled. "You interested?"

Elliot didn‛t know, and even that hesitation worried him. He bit his lower lip. "You only talk to me because I look like him. I know that. You don‛t even know me."

"I know you chew gum and snore. I also know you piss left-handed, which is weird." Toby smiled now and he looked slightly mischievous. "You hate nuggets like I do, and you play a mean game of poker."

"I‛m ambidextrous." Elliot hoped Toby hadn‛t noticed everything. "You don‛t sleep all that much, read books that make my brain hurt, and love your children. We both hate pervs, and you like doing laundry, which is weird."

Toby laughed and let go of him. "You need to work on your biceps. They‛re getting flabby."

"You should work on your abs." Elliot pointed at the living room. "I‛m going back to my beer. You staying or not?" It was time to push the issue.

"I‛ll stay, but damn it, don‛t pity me." Toby walked behind him and picked up his soda again.

Elliot drained his beer. He was thirsty and he had to think of an answer. "I don‛t think I ever did. I did feel bad that you were in the perv unit, but that was about it."

"Another lie?" Toby wasn‛t relaxing into the sofa. He looked as if he might bolt out the door any second now, and Elliot was going to let him go.

"Nah." Elliot laughed because it would help Toby hear the truth. "I was scared of you once or twice, but can‛t blame me for that. I like my dick in once piece."

Toby groaned loudly. "Damn it! That story followed me everywhere! I became some sort of prison legend."

Elliot faked a shiver. "Just don‛t look at my dick and we‛ll be fine."

"He was a Nazi, and the stupid fucker thought I‛d suck his dick." Toby grinned, but it wasn‛t funny. "Tastes like chicken."

"Stop. You gotta stop." Elliot cupped his nuts. He‛d read the report. "Guess no one messed with you after that."

Toby drank some soda. "They got me back, and then I got them, and then, well, you get the idea. It was a damn train wreck, and my son is dead because of it." He rubbed his face hard. "Every once and a while, I wish I‛d just have shut up and sucked."

Elliot could understand that, but sometimes there weren‛t good choices. "Never know. Might‛ve happened anyway. I saw a guy once who‛d had his dick set on fire."

"Oh, shit!" Toby actually winced. "I should‛ve thought of that." He laughed in a mean way. "Just joking."

"Right." Elliot wished he knew what to do now. Going drinking wasn‛t an option. A movie would be stupid, and he was out of ideas. Coming here had been a mistake. He should‛ve stopped at a coffee shop or something. Talking about different ways to mutilate dicks was not the way he wanted to spend the evening.

"You never answered that question. You avoided it quite adoitly." Toby was studying his soda can. His tone didn‛t betray any feeling at all. He could have been talking about the weather. Elliot had heard it a thousand times before. Victims of sexual abuse begin to disassociate the act from pleasure. It ceases to be fun and becomes something else entirely. Power, money, anything but what God intended it be - a good time.

"Yeah. I did." Elliot got up and snapped off the TV. "Let‛s go for a walk." He needed some fresh air, far away from his bedroom. Toby followed him out and down, and they went left. It was a little cool, but Fall was only a hint in the air, and he stuck his hands in his jeans so he didn‛t touch him, hold him, try to help him.

"Sorry, Elliot. I‛m a pushy bitch," Toby said softly.

Elliot winced. He hated hearing that. "Toby, you have a lot of choices now. Shouldn‛t rush into anything."

Toby nodded and kept his eyes on his shoes. Elliot put his arm around him, just for a minute.

*********

Toby had always felt like a loser, but this was new heights or lows. He was hanging out with a cop. Sure, they‛d shared a cell, but Elliot had always been a cop, never a convict. The city was busy, even though it was long after dinner, and he drank in the sights and the sounds, but it was the touch of Elliot‛s arm that made him dizzy. It didn‛t meant a damn thing. Elliot would show up once or twice and that would be the end of it unless Toby‛s asshole brother called him again.

"What are you going to do?" Elliot asked.

Toby stopped walking. He found some brick to lean against and was glad when Elliot joined him. "I guess I have to think of something. I have to shoehorn myself into their lives."

Elliot looked everywhere but at him. "Why? Won‛t that send you back to the bottle?"

"Shit." Toby glared at the world but not Elliot. "Why me?"

"‛Cause ya got drunk and killed someone." Elliot received a glare now. "You have to deal with the consequences of your behavior."

"Thanks, Dad," Toby huffed, but honestly, it didn‛t hurt to hear it again. He gave him a shove just to touch him again.

Elliot laughed. "I always wanted to ask how‛d you heard about my frigid wife?"

"Everyone was talking about her tits and how she looked as if she was kissing your asshole." Toby laughed now. "She was a cop, huh?"

"My partner," Elliot growled. "They should‛ve sent someone else."

Toby nodded, not sure he wanted to talk about Rikers. "You got a real wife? Kids?" He knew the answer, but it wouldn‛t pay to tell Elliot about the private detective and the research.

"Divorced. Four." Elliot smiled, but it was for his kids. "It‛s been about a week."

"Since you saw them?" Toby was confused.

"Since I signed the papers." Elliot shrugged now. He didn‛t look hurt, but that didn‛t mean anything. Toby rubbed Elliot‛s shoulder for one second and then let his hand drop. Words wouldn‛t help; he knew that all to well. Elliot frowned and said, "I put it off for months. Couldn‛t seem to do it."

Toby didn‛t ask what had turned the tide. It sure as hell wasn‛t him. "That‛s tough."

Elliot suddenly stood up a little straighter. "Hang on." He marched over to a couple that were arguing. They were shaking fingers and their voices were loud. Toby watched him flash the badge, look stern, and deliver a lecture. The man and woman slunk off, chastened and embarrassed. Toby had another glimpse of the cop. Elliot took his job very seriously, and he was always on-duty. He came back, leaned against the wall, and sighed.

"Hopefully, they‛ll go home and cool off." Elliot crossed his arms. "Young love is so stupid."

Toby agreed with that, but he thought all love was stupid. It wasn‛t something he ever wanted to do again. Some sex would be good though. No one could blame him for that. He‛d been in prison after all. "I need to get laid. I bet you know all the good corners."

"And then I can arrest you. Not my idea of a fun Saturday night." Elliot looked disgusted. He gave Toby a nudge. "Come on. We‛ll have a cup of joe, and I‛ll take you home."

"Whatever." Toby followed him, but it was only half of what he had planned. Going home wasn‛t on the agenda.

**********

"Get in!" Elliot shoved his finger at the car. "Your mom is probably worried."

"Yeah. Fuck that." Toby wasn‛t doing it. He stuck his hands in his pockets and looked for a cab. The night wasn‛t near over, and he wasn‛t going home until the sun came up. He felt somewhat alive again, and he wasn‛t going back to his casket until he had to for his kids. Elliot stepped in front of him and leveled that mean glare at him, but he wasn‛t impressed. "Elliot, Chris was scary. You aren‛t."

Elliot managed to get closer. "I‛ll call your parole officer."

"Do it. I‛m not breaking any rules." Toby smiled and started walking. This time, he went to the right of Elliot‛s car. The coffee had been good, the conversation interesting, but somewhere in this city there was a place for him. He had to find it. He‛d been stupid to stay on Long Island and think he could be happy there. Taking a deep breath of city air, he looked over at the big man pacing along beside him. "Go home. I need ...something."

"Toby, don‛t you see? You don‛t need anything but to be there for your kids. That‛s what you wanted all those years." Elliot was almost pleading.

Toby looked both ways and crossed the street. "You‛re right, but they don‛t need a dad that can‛t get off the couch. I went to prison for over seven years, and I‛m not spending the rest of my life in a cell on Long Island!"

"Fine!" Elliot caught him by the arm. "But don‛t do anything stupid!"

"Why do you care? So what, we shared a cell! I had a lot of cellmates over the years. Most of them hated my guts. A few of them are dead. We talked about Chris. You did your favor for my brother. We‛re done here!" Toby didn‛t jerk his arm away. He liked the touch. He wanted more of them, but he didn‛t think Elliot wanted to go there. Elliot was everything good and decent, and Toby had no illusions about who he was.

Elliot rubbed his hand down his face, still holding him. "I care. I can‛t give you any reasons why."

"It can‛t still be gratitude. We‛re square." Toby gently removed Elliot‛s hand from his arm and laced their fingers together. "I‛ll give you a simple choice: take me home or walk away. There ain‛t nothing in between tonight."

"Jesus Christ, Toby!" Elliot‛s eyes were wide, and he looked down at their hands. They were holding on tight. "You can‛t-"

"Yes, I can," Toby interrupted. "Your choice. Now." He saw the indecision and worry stamp their way across Elliot‛s expressive face. "Now," he said a little more firmly.

Elliot bit his lower lip. He pulled and Toby went without another word. Why talk it to death? They‛d figure it out in the morning or maybe the day after that. What was important was this instant. Toby dropped his coat on top of Elliot‛s and stuck his hand in Elliot‛s back pocket. Elliot looked at him with worried eyes.

"Lead on, Macduff." Toby was careful not to look him in the eye. It would embarrass him.

"Everyone I touch." He stopped. "Never mind. They‛re still alive."

"That‛s a relief." Toby pressed his forehead into Elliot‛s shoulder. "Bad enough that I‛m Typhoid Toby."

Elliot didn‛t laugh, thank God. He turned off the light in the kitchen and headed for the back of the apartment where Toby assumed there would be a bed. Hopefully it wouldn‛t be a twin. Elliot stopped after flipping on the light. It was a nice, big bed. Toby smiled and tugged Elliot‛s jeans. No words could make this easier for him.

"I haven‛t before," Elliot said with a touch of worry.

Toby shrugged. He‛d figured that, but Elliot was willing and that was all that mattered. He took off his shirt and tossed it. Jeans, socks, and shoes were next and he crawled on the bed. "Get the light."

Elliot seemed stunned. His hand slowly reached for the light, and if he never took that step to the bed, Toby wouldn‛t have been surprised. Toby heard clothes hit the floor, and his eyes adjusted to the dim light coming through the blinds. His blood practically pounded in his ears and he wondered if this was what he needed or if this was just a band-aid on a gaping wound.

"Were you tested?" Elliot‛s questions was soft and low and came at the instant that he took up space on the bed.

"Clean." Toby was glad that Elliot had asked. "And you?"

Elliot put his hand on Toby‛s back. "Clean." He rubbed. "Would you be disappointed if we just slept?"

"Yes." Toby reached and put his hand on Elliot‛s thigh. "And I would definitely jack off."

"Thanks for the honesty," Elliot said dryly. The dim light and the shadow chiseled at his face and Toby slid his hand up to cup him in his briefs. There was no doubt that he wanted to do this. How fast it‛d happen was the question, and Toby wasn‛t sure how long he could wait. This all might be a disaster in the making, but he didn‛t give a damn.

"Come here," Toby said gruffly, pulling and reaching with his other hand. Elliot hesitated, biting his lower lip, and then sunk down on top of him. There was a mutual groan, and Toby laughed softly as he pressed up into him. "Kiss me."

"Shaved lately?" Elliot grinned quick and kissed him tentatively. Toby could feel the hesitation, and he remembered his first kisses with Chris. That was blown away when Elliot pushed his tongue deep and ground his crotch into Toby‛s. Any thought of going slow vanished, and Toby scrambled to get his boxers off and and his hands all over Elliot‛s strong body. With a woman there‛s never a question of what was going to take place, but Toby had learned over the years that he sure as hell better ask before sticking his dick in someone‛s asshole.

Elliot pulled away and braced himself on his arms. "Will you bottom?"

Toby‛s mouth dropped open in shock. The lust pounding through his veins froze and with a blink he reassessed his bed partner. "How many times you been to prison?"

"I haven‛t played the game, but I know the rules." Elliot lifted his eyebrow.

"I‛m no sportsman, but I think that means you checked me out in advance." Toby kissed Elliot‛s neck and chewed on it. He was willing, but not right away. It never paid to roll over and put his ass in the air early. Elliot would think he had a bitch. He kissed him again, and Toby wrapped his leg around him, pulling him tighter.

Elliot smiled and moved his hips in a gentle motion. Toby grunted deep in his throat because he was about ready to flip over and take it. He slid his hands down into Elliot‛s ass crack and pulled.

"Leave it in one piece," Elliot said with a groan.

Toby laughed, threw caution and everything else to the wind, and found room to roll over. "I better get a reach around."

Elliot slid his hand down and gripped Toby‛s ass firmly. "Hang on a sec." And he was off the bed. It gave Toby plenty of time to quit, run for the door, something, anything but stick his ass back in the air. Elliot came back with that smile on his face, and Toby knew his ass wasn‛t going anywhere.

********

Elliot changed his mind more than once in the short time it took to get a lubricated condom. He wasn‛t discussing who he had bought them for with anyone. "Here."

Toby caught it. He sat up a little, his blue eyes wide. "You want me to put it on for you?"

"No. I want you to use it." Elliot wasn‛t worried about the pain. It‛d hurt some, but that wasn‛t the point. Toby had been abused for years. He would need to feel in control. They might not have such a great time tonight, but the next time would be very good. Toby just needed to feel safe. Elliot kissed him and sprawled belly down on the bed. The astonished noise that burst from Toby‛s throat made him smile.

"Fuck, Elliot." Toby smoothed his hand down Elliot‛s back, and Elliot felt the small tremble in Toby‛s hand. This was the right thing to do. They‛d make a connection that they both needed. He reached back and stroked Toby‛s dick from root to tip. Toby needed some encouragement, that was clear. His mouth was still hanging open.

Toby seemed to shake himself. He tore open the condom and rolled it on fast. "Please don‛t change your mind." He looked like a deer in headlights.

Elliot couldn‛t find a smile but he tugged gently on Toby‛s arm to show that he meant it. Toby bit his lower lip, and Elliot couldn‛t watch any longer. He did everything he could to relax, putting his head down on his arms and breathing out. Sixty seconds later, his head went back so far that he felt his neck muscles protest, and that wasn‛t pain. Now an astonished sound burst from his mouth and there wasn‛t enough blood left in his face to blush. It had all raced happily to his dick. Keeping himself down was the problem now and he followed the prompts given to him by Toby‛s hands and mouth.

"Push back," Toby whispered.

Air rushed out of Elliot‛s lungs and he didn‛t bother trying to inhale. It could wait an hour or two. Toby didn‛t go crazy, thank God. He waited and then reached around while moving slowly. Elliot felt as if his organs were being pulled out though his dick. It was more stunning than painful, and he was glad his face was turned away. This much intimacy face-to-face would be impossible.

"Fuck!" Toby cursed loud enough to raise the roof, and Elliot hoped that wasn‛t a bad thing. He looked over his shoulder and saw him coming like a freight train. Toby sunk down on top of him. "Shit. I am so sorry. It‛s been too long."

Elliot simply didn‛t have words. He blinked and took a shallow breath. Toby eased away, going to the bathroom, but he was back quickly. Elliot half-expected him to run out the door, but he settled in close and kissed him on the shoulder.

"Give me five minutes, and I‛ll make it up to you." Toby pushed him gently, and Elliot let it happen. He let Toby‛s mouth do whatever and however until the blood pounded and his back arched and sweat broke out on his chest. Fingers dipped back inside him, and he came. And came, and then he came some more. Toby‛s tongue did wicked things to him, making him feel every exquisite moment of it. Elliot finally curled around him and pulled him up. They kissed and tried to find comfortable spots for arms and legs.

"Wow."

Elliot fell asleep.

********

Toby raised his head and checked the time. He had to get home, but he didn‛t ever want to move again. It was a real dilemma. Of course he should probably sneak out. Save Elliot the embarrassment of waking up to a man in his bed.

"Damn," Elliot said with a grunt. "Your mom is gonna kill you."

"I‛m shoving you in front to take the brunt of it." Toby grinned. There‛d be no sneaking out now, but Elliot wasn‛t blushing. "Okay?"

Elliot sat up and rubbed his face. "I need coffee."

Toby did too. He still wasn‛t sure he believed that last night was real but the discarded wrapper from a condom lay on the nightstand. "Let‛s go get some. I‛ll buy."

"All right," Elliot grumbled. He fumbled for his phone first and pushed a couple of buttons. "Yeah, I know. Call me if you need something." He hung up and tossed it. Toby stretched and watched him get up. That ass was damn fine, and Toby hoped it wasn‛t sore. It might discourage him from doing it again.

"Who was that?" Toby asked loudly enough that Elliot could hear him.

"My partner. It‛s my day off, but things have been crazy lately." Elliot came back out and started dressing. Toby knew he should do the same, but he wanted to savor the moment. He caught the look that Elliot gave him and got up to find his clothes. It was time to face his crappy life again. Last night had been a brief respite, nothing more. They‛d go their separate ways, and he‛d be lucky if he saw Elliot again, much less naked.

Toby suddenly couldn‛t bear the reality of it, and he went to him. Elliot met Toby‛s eyes. The look was enough, and Toby took a small step back. Elliot had buyer‛s regret, and Toby knew very well when he wasn‛t wanted. "Sorry."

Elliot tilted his head. "You didn‛t put six open cases on my desk." He shrugged and said gruffly, "Get dressed. I‛m a real asshole if I don‛t get coffee in the morning."

"I remember." Toby put on the rest of his clothes and stopped looking directly at him. This was over. Done. He wouldn‛t ask or expect one more thing, not even a ride home.

*********

Elliot saw the look drop over Toby‛s face. Toby wasn‛t going to ask for cuddle time. He was ready to go. Elliot searched for words, but came up with nothing. He felt vulnerable, exposed, and it made him want to hit something. Coffee wasn‛t going to fix that. Grabbing up his phone, he followed Toby out to the street.

"This way." Elliot hoped he didn‛t sound like a asswipe, but his voice didn‛t want to work. Toby shrugged, and they went back to the diner. They grabbed a booth and Elliot gave up on small talk. The coffee was good, and he focused on that. Thinking about last night wasn‛t happening, and he prayed Toby didn‛t mention it.

"I‛ll catch a cab home," Toby said, but he didn‛t look up from his coffee.

Elliot almost agreed. He wanted to snap out, ‛hell yes!‛ But he didn‛t. "Not a problem. I have to go to Queens and drop off something."

Toby looked out the window. "Things are going to be different now."

Elliot shifted on his ass and agreed, but he didn‛t want to know how. He was concerned that Toby had almost mumbled those words. The waitress brought the food, and he ate. He could count on one hand the people that he‛d had sex with and never had it felt so awkward.

"Hey, Stabler!"

Elliot looked before waving, but he recognized the voice. "Hey, Lennon. How‛s it going?"

Lennon shrugged. "Same old bunch of skels. They need to stop letting them out." He laughed. Elliot tried to laugh with him but didn‛t pull it off. Lennon wasn‛t finished, "Who‛s your buddy?"

"Toby Beecher," Elliot said, hoping that Toby would speak up.

"Say, what happened to that girl I heard you were cozying up to?" Lennon grinned.

Elliot felt the red creeping up his neck. "That girl could kick both our asses. She went back to warrants, and it was nothing. You gossip like an old woman."

Lennon laughed. "Right. Okay, gotta run. Nice to meet ya." He went to pay his bill, and Elliot tried to look Toby in the eye. Toby wasn‛t available. He was pushing his food around. His shoulders were hunched, and Elliot had a bad feeling that the crazy in Toby wasn‛t far from the surface.

"Parole officer for pervs." Elliot made sure his voice was low. "Nice guy."

"Yeah," Toby whispered. He pushed his plate away. "I have some things to do. Later."

Elliot caught Toby‛s hand on the table. "Please let me take you home." He hated to sound weak.

Toby pulled his hand away. "Not a good idea. My brother will know what happened. He knows me. My desires." He fumbled out some cash and put it under the plate. Elliot couldn‛t exactly tackle him and drag him to the car, which left him with zero options.

"You got my number?"

Toby was already moving and he didn‛t stop to answer. Elliot sure as hell wasn‛t going to race after him and make a big scene. He was probably right. The less Angus Beecher knew, the better. What had seemed like a fairly decent idea last night sure did reek in the light of day. Elliot shifted on his ass again. It had been his decision. His choice. It had been different, not bad, and afterwards had been mind-blowing.

They‛d kissed. Elliot rubbed his face and seriously considered going to see his shrink.

*********

Toby hesitated before giving the cabbie the address. He still didn‛t want to go home. His children were there, but it wasn‛t enough to send him scurrying back. He was ashamed of that bit of truth. All the love and the concern and it wasn‛t enough to get his head out of his ass.

"Well, where the fuck you want to go?"

Toby gave his home address. He didn‛t want to, but he did. The ride gave him plenty of time to think about Elliot, Elliot‛s ass, sex, prison, his asshole brother, AA, and his children. Unfortunately, it wasn‛t enough time to help him make up his mind about anything, and he was glad the house was empty when he got there. He headed for the shower. Today, he wasn‛t going to lie around and watch TV. It was time to take control of his life, his life, damn it.

*********

Elliot washed away the remnants of his sin before going to church. He waited his turn and slid into the confessional quietly. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

"Did you call your wife, Elliot?"

Elliot put his head in his hands. "I signed the divorce papers," he said.

"You will always be married in the eyes of the Lord."

"I know." Elliot didn‛t have a shot at an annulment, not after four kids. He hadn‛t bothered with the paperwork of asking for one. "She wanted it. I didn‛t want to hurt her any longer." He never wanted her to hate him. There was a moment of silence from the other side of the screen, and he knew that he wouldn‛t be confessing the other sin that had driven him here.

"Sex outside the marriage is a grave sin. Receiving the Eucharist under those conditions is impossible." The priest sounded unforgiving. "Will you be continuing to attend Mass?"

Elliot shifted his feet, feeling the guilt deep in his soul and beginning to think that the Devil had reserved a special place for him in hell. Toby‛s shy smile flashed in front of Elliot‛s eyes and he asked haltingly, "I can‛t get past this sin, can I?"

"Elliot, you did it out of love. It‛s a sin, yes, but if you pray and attend Mass and stay faithful to the Church, all things are possible."

"I have to go." Elliot got up quickly. Guilt, love, lust, and loneliness all combined to drive him away.

"But I haven‛t given you your penance."

"There‛s no punishment you can give that‛s harsh enough." Elliot got out of the box before he punched a hole in the side of it. He took a deep breath, avoiding the eyes of the little, old lady waiting her turn. The walk to the front door had never been longer. Two big sins on his soul and no way to wash them away. He‛d been divorced a week and lain with a man. None of this had even entered his mind last night, which had to be another sin. All he‛d wanted was someone to hold, a touch, maybe more. He sank down in the seat of his car and leaned his head into the steering wheel.

*********

"Dad!" Holly‛s voice rang out and brought an instant smile to Toby‛s face. "You missed church!"

Toby pulled her into a hug. "I missed you." He kissed her on the forehead and ruffled Harry‛s hair as he walked passed. Harry gave him the look that said, ‛You, Dad, are the quintessential loser.‛

Angus cleared his throat. "Glad you‛re home."

"Yeah." Toby didn‛t look right at him and that kept the residual anger at bay. "It‛s a nice day, Holly. Let‛s go for a walk."

She smiled brightly. "Let me change."

Toby didn‛t want to wait. "No, sweetie. Let‛s walk." He took her by the hand. "Harry, you‛re coming also."

"I have homework." Harry always had homework, even when he‛d just finished it.

"Now, Son." Toby opened the door, ignored his brother‛s shocked face, and took his kids outside. They were his kids, damn it.

"If we get these clothes dirty, Grandma will kill us," Holly whispered.

Toby nodded, remembering. "I‛ll buy you new ones since it‛ll be my fault." He led the way to a nearby park. They looked slightly nervous, and he kept them moving until they were near a park bench. He had a few things to say to them, and they were going to listen.

"Are we in trouble?" Harry asked with a real pout on his lips.

"No." Toby noticed their sighs of relief. He sat at the table and motioned for them to join him. "We need to have a family meeting."

"Then Angus and Grandma should be here," Holly said. She was very serious.

Toby shook his head and patted her hand. "Our family. Remember? There aren‛t as many of us as there used to be, but we‛re a family."

Harry narrowed his eyes, almost glaring. "You‛ve never been a father to me."

"Now that‛s honesty I can admire." Toby thought his son wielded a shank rather well. "But I am your father, in the eyes of the law, and in my eyes."

Holly swallowed hard. "It‛s been hard to believe that you‛re really here."

Toby agreed. He still didn‛t believe it. "We need to make some decisions as a family. Put aside whether or not you‛re angry at me."

"I‛m not," Holly said quietly. Harry said nothing. He wouldn‛t. Toby knew repressed anger when he saw it. He took a deep breath and tried to think clearly. This wasn‛t that hard. It was just talking to people he loved. The children he loved more than anything.

"I want to move to the city." Toby watched their faces. "The house, this place, it isn‛t mine. It never was. Holly, you‛re twelve, and Harry, you‛re eight, legally, you have to go with me."

"But," Harry snapped. "There‛s always a but."

Toby suddenly saw the stark fear shining through the anger and resentment. Harry had waited his entire life for his father and now he lived in fear that it would all disappear. That made the words easier.

"No, there‛s not. You two are coming with me. Your lives are going to change, but I will love you and be there for you."

Holly and Harry exchanged a long look. He could almost hear their smart, little brains evaluating whether or not he meant it. She spoke up first. "Where in the city?"

"I haven‛t looked yet. I wanted to tell you first." But he wasn‛t changing his mind. "It may mean a new school."

Both of them shrugged at that. It was a shock. He frowned. "You don‛t like school?"

Harry sighed. "Well, it‛s a good enough school, but sometimes we‛re bored."

Toby was ashamed that he hadn‛t noticed or thought to ask. "I know that you‛ll miss your grandmother, but we‛ll see her often."

"We had a nanny before you came home," Holly said in her quiet voice. "If we move, can I decorate my room myself?"

"And I want a bed that isn‛t a car," Harry said.

Toby nearly laughed. He hadn‛t known about the nanny, but it did make sense. His mother wasn‛t young any longer. "Okay, so we‛re square on that subject. Now, on to the next topic." He tried not to look nervous. "I‛m angry at my brother, and I‛m going to have words with him. You two are going to ignore it. Got it?"

"Why?" they asked simultaneously.

"Because." Toby went for the mature answer. "He‛s my brother. I can be angry if I want. Do you two tell me everything?"

Guilt flashed across their faces. Harry looked away and back. "Can we take the Fifth?"

"Yes. So butt out of my argument, okay?"

They nodded fast. Harry leaned a little closer. "Don‛t hit him. Grandma gets really mad about that."

"I didn‛t hit you that hard!" Holly protested.

Toby rubbed his forehead, struggling not to laugh. "No hitting, okay? You guys wanta play or just go home?"

They looked at their clothes. He smiled. "Church is now optional." He shouldn‛t do it, but damn it, his mother‛s church was just this side of fascism. They were gone in a flash. Harry was even laughing, and Toby hadn‛t heard that very often. His son was only eight. Maybe there was time to make him happy.

*********

Elliot sipped his beer and reached for the remote.

‛SpongeBob Squarepants!‛

He sighed and tossed it. Once wouldn‛t kill him. Thank God for the beer. He was on his third and it hadn‛t helped yet, but he wasn‛t giving up. Moving his ass from side to side, he was reminded again that he didn‛t even have Toby‛s cell phone number and he sure as hell wasn‛t calling Angus Beecher. Toby wouldn‛t call him. That last look had said it all.

"Nothing like a one night stand to make a guy feel cheap," Elliot growled. He was going back to work tomorrow and staying there until he felt less like a screw up. It might take a week or two.

*********

Toby slammed the door to his brother‛s bedroom hard enough to let his kids know they should head for higher ground.

"Toby, be reasonable. Your mother and I were worried. Detective Stabler had expressed concern before. We thought he could help." Angus was white as a sheet.

"Help me what? Get laid? Get normal? Find a job?" Toby didn‛t go too close. He didn‛t want to accidentally hit him. "Did you even think how it would make me look? Stabler thinks I‛m nuts!"

Angus sat down hard in a leather chair. "He always thought that."

"Thanks, fuckwad." Toby changed his mind about hitting him, moving closer. "Did you consider he might try to fuck up my parole? That‛s what he threatened!"

"Damn." Angus rubbed his forehead. "I didn‛t! I thought he liked you."

Toby had wanted that, and after last night, it should be like that, but Elliot had told him to back off with a single look. "He‛s a cop, Angus. Next time you think I‛m on the edge, come after me yourself."

Angus looked at the shut door. "Mother and I have been concerned. You‛re not-" He broke off and lowered his voice even further. "The brother I had."

"It‛s been years of death, beatings, ass-fuckings, meds, and mayhem. Of course I‛m different!" Toby sat down facing him, struggling to keep his hands to his sides. "Did you honestly think I‛d come home, find a wife, and whistle on my way to work?"

"We hoped so." Angus‛s blue eyes were wretched. "Nothing we do can bring anyone back. We have to go on with our lives."

Toby snorted. "Damn easy words. My life was on hold for seven long years. Picking up and going on isn‛t going to happen overnight."

"I know." Angus put his hand on Toby‛s knee and squeezed. "I thought Elliot Stabler was your friend. Someone you could talk to about all this."

Toby rubbed his face. All that was true, and yet, it had been very intrusive. "We shared a cell. We were never friends. You should have come to me. I‛m an adult. I can handle this."

"Can you?" Angus didn‛t look convinced.

"I killed a man with a knife. I can handle life on Long Island." Toby rolled his eyes. He must act like a total weakling. Maybe it was all the lying around in front of the television. "Angus, next time, treat me like a man."

Angus nodded quickly. "I‛m sorry." He sighed. "What did you and Elliot do?"

Toby made sure his face showed nothing. "Got coffee. He left, and I found a whore." He watched his brother blush. "I used a condom." He wished he didn‛t remember the sweet feel of Elliot‛s ass underneath him. That had been so unexpected, so... kind. It had been better than good. Of course, he‛d screwed it up by coming like a teenager, but he hoped he‛d given Elliot some pleasure.

"Toby, please be careful."

"Angus, please shut up." Toby smiled and leaned back, trying to force the memory of Elliot away.

Angus reached in his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. "I‛ll delete his number."

Toby watched him do it. That meant very little, but his brother was trying. "The kids and I are moving to the city. Not today, not tomorrow, but soon."

"Toby!" Angus jumped to his feet.

"Angus." Toby stood also. He was smaller, but he was meaner. "I‛m not going to mold out here. You may be happy. I‛m not. Genevieve and I liked Manhattan. I‛m moving there. Get used to the idea."

Angus‛s frown couldn‛t get any deeper. "Mother won‛t allow that."

Toby laughed bitterly and went to the door. He walked out without another word, and he‛d have sworn he saw Harry‛s butt beat it around the corner. Little eavesdropper. There was no putting it off now. It was time to face his mother.

********

"Elliot, do me favor, huh? Go home!" Cragen looked as if he meant it.

Elliot threw his straw in the trash. "Yeah. I‛m going." He picked up the trash from several meals and dumped it all before getting his coat.

"Remember where you live?" Munch flashed a shit eating grin.

"Vaguely." Elliot wasn‛t going to wish there was more crime, but now wasn‛t a good time in his personal life for a work slow down. "You got a girlfriend, John?"

Munch‛s eyebrows shot up. "I only have ex-wives, Elliot. That‛s more than enough."

"You ever miss them?" Elliot chewed his lower lip. Talking to Munch about marriage probably wasn‛t smart since he hadn‛t gotten it right yet, but it wasn‛t like Elliot had done any better.

"Every day, different ones." Munch stepped closer. "You can always remarry."

"Not in my church you can‛t." Elliot rubbed his hand down his face. He‛d feel dirty if he did that, and yet, another forty years alone would really suck.

Munch lowered his head and looked at Elliot over the top of his sunglasses. "Religion wasn‛t invented to make men feel comfortable."

Elliot dug out his keys. "No kidding. Later." He went to the elevator before he said something else that would make him look stupid. There could be other women in his life. He just had to give up the church. It wasn‛t possible to have both.

"Did ‛cha hear? Makowski is gay!"

"I bet his wife is really pissed!"

Elliot exited the elevator quickly and fled their laughter.

*********

Toby didn‛t like the looks he was getting from his mother and brother. The guilt was so thick in the air that he could practically taste it. Yes, he owed them everything. Yes, he was an ungrateful wretch, and yes, he was getting the hell out of here.

"Dad, are you okay?" Holly took him by the hand.

"I think so." He leaned and hugged her. "You worried?"

"I know you‛ll take care of us." Holly‛s faith was one of those things that Toby didn‛t understand. She tugged him down a little further. "It‛s not that far. We can eat dinner here every night."

Toby laughed softly. "And we‛ll probably have to or starve."

Holly laughed loudly now. Toby grinned. He loved her so. "Mother, you‛ll come decorate the guest room, right?"

"Of course I will." His mother managed a smile. "You‛ll call?"

"Frequently." Toby swallowed some more guilt. "Harry! You ready?"

Harry came down the stairs with another box. "Last of the comic books. No way I‛m putting them in the truck."

Toby made sure not to smile. "Better safe than sorry. Angus, whenever you‛re ready, we are."

Angus cleared his throat and jiggled his keys in his pocket. "Okay then, let‛s go."

Toby made sure that his mother received hard hugs from everyone before they all loaded into the van. Objectively, he knew she‛d probably live with them several days a week, but the look in her eyes made him feel as if he were stealing her grandchildren. He forced away a huge wad of blame and helped the kids get settled around the boxes of last minute items.

"You can change your mind," Angus said soft and low.

"No, I can‛t." Toby buckled up. He was doing the right thing for himself and his children.

********

Elliot checked who the call was from before answering it. He didn‛t want to take this call, but good manners forced him. "Stabler."

"Detective Stabler, this is Victoria Beecher. Could we talk a moment?"

Elliot tried not to groan aloud in the phone. He‛d been prepared to tell Angus to forget it, but this was Toby‛s mother. "Not a problem. How are you?"

"Tobias has moved out. Angus and I are very concerned." She ignored his question. "On the one hand, I‛m very glad to see him motivated beyond the television. However, he hasn‛t dealt with society in a long time. I‛m honestly not sure if he‛s up to it."

"His kids?" Elliot was more worried about them than Toby. Toby was tough.

"He took them. He has full custody." Her voice grew softer. "I love him. I just don‛t want to see him hurt."

Elliot thought it was too late for that, and he had no clue as to what to say to her. "He wasn‛t very happy to see me the last time." He went with that and hoped she‛d give up.

"Let me give you his new address." She rattled it off and he hated that he knew where it was. "Please. Consider helping him. He needs a friend."

"I‛ll consider it." Elliot shut his eyes for a moment. "Good luck." He hung up and tossed it. Butting in to Toby‛s life again was not a good idea, not at all. Toby might shank him. Sure, they‛d had sex and lived in a cell together for a few weeks, but it didn‛t mean anything. "God, when did I become such a liar?" he asked himself.

Elliot checked the time and grabbed his phone. He‛d take a walk to clear his head. It had to help. He wouldn‛t walk that way. It wouldn‛t achieve anything, and chasing after a man when even a woman was a sin was more stupid than he wanted to be.

********

"Toby, isn‛t that your friend Elliot?"

Toby refused to look. Anger, resentment, lust, and other emotions he didn‛t want to analyze to closely roared through him. "I don‛t have a friend named Elliot. Come to think of it. I don‛t have any friends!"

Angus took a step back. "I‛m sorry. Does he live close by?"

"I don‛t know." Toby shoved his hand through his hair. "Sorry. Harry wants a bed tonight, and he knows all the stores are closed."

"He‛s never been one to be quiet when he wants something." Angus glanced across the street. "Maybe you should say hello?"

Toby grunted as he lifted the last box. "Why? Do you think he has a bundt cake?"

Angus shut the van door and locked it. Toby took one look. One. Their eyes locked and held, and he nearly dropped the box. All the million dollar places to live in Manhattan and he had to pick one close to Elliot.

"I‛m a fucking fool," he whispered and forced himself to go upstairs. Angus got the door. He was being very quiet, and Toby didn‛t like it.

"Toby, don‛t shut him out. You need a friend." Angus‛s blue eyes were big.

Toby glared and set the box down on the floor. "Angus, Elliot can never be a friend. Drop it."

Angus caught him by the arm. Their blue eyes clashed and Angus bit his lower lip. "You slept with him, didn‛t you? At Rikers."

"No. I asked. He turned me down. Yes, your brother is a slut. Drop it." Toby made sure his words didn‛t carry the length of the room. He was damn lucky he was able to lie by telling the truth. "If Elliot is sniffing around, it‛s guilt, and I don‛t need that shit."

"That makes no sense." Angus suddenly looked at the door. "How‛s it looking?"

Toby moved so he could see his kids. They looked worried so he smiled and followed them to their rooms. They talked until his ears hurt and he finally held up his hands. "Each of you make a list and we‛ll take care of it one thing at a time! No, Holly, you may not have one bathroom to yourself, and yes, Harry, your bed is our first priority. Tomorrow. Get it? When the stores are open!"

They stared up at him in amazement. "Yes, Dad," they said together.

He nodded in satisfaction. "Now keep working." He smiled and went back downstairs. Angus was sitting on the sofa that wasn‛t in the right place yet. He got up instantly. Toby gave him a fast hug. "Sorry about that."

"I‛m fine." Angus swallowed hard. "Are you going to be okay?"

"If I‛m not, I‛ll call you. I promise. How far is your work from here?" Toby knew the answer, but he had to get Angus thinking about something else.

"You‛re about ten minutes out of my way." Angus smiled. "Call me on nights you want to go home for dinner."

Toby smiled back at him. "I will. Angus, we can do this. This is my old neighborhood. I wanted to come home."

Angus frowned. "I didn‛t realize." He hugged Toby hard. "Walk me out, okay?"

"Yeah. Go hug the kids. They love you like a father." Toby had seen it on their faces, and he‛d tried very hard not to be jealous. Usually, he succeeded. That stuff about coming home wasn‛t a complete lie. This place had felt right, and their new school was within walking distance. Elliot‛s apartment better not be too close, and Toby didn‛t look around as he walked Angus back to the van.

"Thanks, Brother." Toby hugged him again. "Love ya."

Angus blushed. "I‛ll be by soon." He got in the van and was gone. Toby stood the sidewalk and prayed that he‛d done the right thing. The only thing worse than living with Mommy, was running home to Mommy. He used his shiny, new key to open the gate. Their ‛yard‛ was several potted plants on a slab of concrete, but they were green. He took one more glance around the neighborhood - his neck prickled - and went inside. This was home.

*********

Elliot stayed far back in the shadows and didn‛t move until Toby had gone inside. Toby looked pretty good. Better than he had that night at the church. Hopefully, his mother was worried about nothing, and that look they‛d exchanged had meant nothing.

Elliot‛s phone rang and he got it. "Stabler."

"Go home." Toby clicked off instantly. Elliot stared at his phone in amazement and then saved the number. He started for home, but he might be back. It was a nice walk, and it was on the way to the market.

*********

Toby gave his kids two days and then it was time to start school. They were ready, and he was ready for a moment of peace and quiet. They walked together, and he knew he‛d be doing this every day. It would get him out of the house.

"We could have handled it," Harry said in his usual morning snarly voice. He be cheerier once school was out.

"But I would have worried and maybe cried and you wouldn‛t want that, would you, Son?" Toby smiled gently at him. "The guilt would eat you alive."

Harry narrowed his eyes and shifted his backpack. "Funny, Dad."

"I am hilarious, and you love me." Toby escorted them all the way to their classrooms, but he wouldn‛t tomorrow. Neither of them looked worried, but he thought they were. He made his presence known to the principal one more time and then walked home. It was home. It wasn‛t fancy or tastefully appointed or rich, but it was comfortable and it felt right. There was a library and a market within walking distance and he knew the kids liked it. Opening the gate, he sat on the top step and watched the people and the cars. Noise. He liked it. Not too much, but enough to let him know that he wasn‛t alone.

"You home?"

Toby pulled his gaze off the steps and focused on the dark-haired man leaning against his gate. He took a deep breath and then another. "Yes. You, on the other hand, are roaming far afield today."

"Not so much. I like a walk in the morning." Elliot pointed down the street. "And I use that market."

"I didn‛t buy this to be close to you." Toby hoped he didn‛t sound as petulant as his son.

Elliot shrugged. "I know. You probably didn‛t remember where I lived."

Toby had, but he wouldn‛t admit that he‛d been turned around when he‛d put in the offer. If he‛d have realized, he‛d have purchased the other one. He eased up and went to the gate. A flashback of Chris taking him by the hand on bars burst over him, and he stuck his hands in his pockets. This wasn‛t Chris.

"I gotta get milk." Elliot didn‛t smile.

"Elliot, why are you doing this to me?" Toby had to know why.

"Maybe it ain‛t about you." Elliot walked off then. His shoulders were set, and he wouldn‛t turn to look. Toby watched him out of sight. That had made no sense at all, and he was usually the crazy one. He sighed and went inside. He‛d think about it.

*********  
End of part 2


End file.
